Things have changed, a whole lot. But mostly for the better. I'm getting to know myself more, and basking in this fulfilled feeling I have; the feeling that you can only get when you know you're moving forward and about to crush it.
Being onstage, literally and figuratively, is a strange thing. All this time is spent practicing, preparing, perfecting, preventing. Generally ruling out all fuck-ups that could potentially be your fault is key.
Very key.
But as prepared as you can be, everything boils down to the moment. Some things can just be out of your control, and then what do you do? You’d better be good at winging it, that’s for damn sure; hopefully, that’s one of the things you obsessively practiced before you donned your stage-confidence and walked up those wooden steps into the spotlight.
Before two weeks ago, it’d been a long time since I’d been onstage. I was just going to be in the background – which was a huge relief, because being the center of attention is overrated – but my nerves were close to shot. It just wasn’t something that I was used to anymore; I remember looking out into crowds full of new faces and wondering how many of them were waiting for me to fall off the stage, or lose one of my braids.
I couldn’t stop cracking my knuckles. I was leaned up against a pool table trying not to think about it, joking with one of my closest friends while compulsively scanning the crowd. Support is crucial in times like these. One familiar face in the crowd is all it takes to make everything okay. Yeah, you’ve got people you know standing in the crowd; fans, close friends who know all your secrets, maybe even your significant other. Everyone has that one person whose upward gaze when the house lights are low can make the perfect setting for crushing it onstage.
That’s my brother. When I saw his giant round head bobblin’ through the crowd last Friday night in New York City, I lost the little bit of cool I do have and immediately attacked him with a bear hug, eliciting a laugh and just as strong an embrace from him in return. Objectively speaking (seriously), Bruh is the coolest person anyone in his life knows. It’s hard to say exactly why. It could be his strength, his intelligence, uniqueness, his sense of humor and silliness - just the hours he spent during my childhood mastering the art of being “that dude.”
But for me, it’s the time that he spent after school assisting me in my penmanship homework before helping me cross the street to ride my bike. It’s how dedicated he was to making sure my three-pointer was perfected before my recreational basketball game on Saturdays, or practicing punches with me in the backyard. I look back and I see it in every time he told me he couldn’t make it to a concert I was playing in, and then showed up front row center to surprise me. I see it when I think of how much I wanted to be like him when I was younger, and how hard he was on me about being proud of who I am. It’s all in how he was committed to making sure that I was not going to end up like so many lost and misguided young women out here that don’t recognize their own worth.
The past couple months have been tough, wrought with a lot of contemplation and planning for the future. Everyone is always going through something, and everyone needs support. We’re all taught in this country that the only person you can truly count on is yourself, but that notion doesn’t always get you through the rain. Even if you haven’t known someone for very long, the simple fact that one person celebrates who you are and what you do – and wants to see you grow and succeed – is so motivating. The world sucks, and this has never not been true, but to be skeptical of everyone who shows you positivity is to wind up solo in a heartbeat.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that although keeping your head up and eye on the prize will get you there in due time, sometimes it helps to think of the one person you know for sure will always walk beside you, and will help you when you trip (even if they might giggle a little first – Bruh keeps it real). You may not need someone to hold your hand through everything, but unconditional love and genuine encouragement can get you so, so far. No one can truly do it alone.
Bruh has faith in me, and that faith alone makes me feel like I can do anything – even sing again.
